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| I want to state something and I want to ponder something. State a few things, rather.
I feel.
Thank God I still do that these days... Mostly disconnected. For a while I suspected that I was disconnected from everyone else, but I'm beginning to think I'm hardly connected to myself. I've become what I would consider socially awkward... In conversation as of late, people offer up random tidbits to talk about while I believe I may have only brought up no more than three unique ideas for a conversation within the past few weeks. I'm not sure what it is causing it... but I believe I no longer known myself mentally and I don't think I recognize myself physically.
Still on the disconnected feeling, I don't believe I've been inquisitive about people lately, taking everyone for their face value and throwing other possibilities to the wind. I've been attracted to the idea of meeting new people, but I haven't cared to get deeper than that with anyone as of late. While I know that personal relationships take time, I just can't find the effort to dive in and ask questions, to dig...
I don't even know why I'd want to anyways though, I'm just fine feeling alone... it's better than faking other feelings. As long as I'm true to myself, yea?
Pondering... pondering... I really don't like the damned word. I don't like a lot of words these days... plenty of words are beginning to seem ridiculous to me lately. That's not what I've got on my mind though. Love and meaningful relationships and why in the world would I want to be involved in any of it, those subjects are bothering me.
I don't even know where to begin to pick at this, but I feel like I have to. I no longer understand any of it. I don't even understand past occurrences of love or relationships. I know that I miss some of them and I know the details that set certain relationships I've had apart. I know what was special about those, but I can't put my finger on why any of it at all should be wanted. Seemingly, it's only that I miss having someone to hang out with that I enjoyed doing things with. I have that with male friends. So then it must be an intimacy thing. Do I really miss the closeness? Do I really miss what I've driven myself away from lately? Do I really NOT want to drive myself away from closeness? No one does, right? People that do just have issues with being close; it's not that they don't want to be able to be close.
I've wrecked relationships because I wanted more intimacy, and now I've become someone who strays from intimacy. I wonder if it's an attraction issue. I still have physical attraction, but I confess... I haven't really felt a deeper attraction to anyone in a while. I can't figure out the cause... I used to fall for people easily because I think I thought they were thoughtful and bright... I'm not even sure if it wasn't just boyish hormones excited over the prospect of a girl even being remotely interested in me. I know I've had meaningful relationships... it couldn't have always been the hormone. I wonder why I have cared about people in the past, what made them different from the people I'm running into lately, or what is different about me now.
Have I grown jaded from my own mistakes? Has letting go of great people caught up to me? Even if, I let them go, they've moved on. I need to do the same. Not to find someone different, but to leave myself open for new opportunities in life.
I don't even care if I don't know why I'd want to be in a meaningful relationship at this point in this entry. What I care about now is letting the past become the past for good without regretting what I have done and what I have failed to do and become who I will be tomorrow. Maybe then I'll find that these new folks can become a great part of my life as well.
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| get health insurance again, I may go find out if what I'm feeling is clinical depression.
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| I have but one dream, I've come to realize. I don't care what career path I take, I don't care how much money I make. It doesn't matter to me if I ever find someone to be with or not. What matters to me is becoming a better person than my dad. He's not the worst there is. He's not violent. He's just an asshole. He's rude. He's amongst the rudest people I know. He's bipolar, but I feel that treating people you care about with disdain is not excusable. I hate being at home when he's awake. He makes anyone feel like dirt. I've tried for years to understand what it is and have only in the past few years realized that it's just best to avoid developing his habits. Sadly, I've seen myself get those habits. Is it a disease? Do I have it as well? I sure as heck hope not... I like to thank people, I don't like to bother someone that's already annoyed, and I'd rather smile than carry myself around like a man eager to fight. | | |
| They were great days. March 15th? Sucks. I've become reliant on other people for my enjoyment. Not that I've walked all over people to get my kicks, but tonight I am alone. Richard visited... it's been a while since he has, and that was good to see him. Oh well, it's a Sunday night and everyone else seems busy. What else is there to do but be depressed? Maybe I'll feel better about depending on others for fun tomorrow, or I'll just feel different about it altogether and be able to be alone again tomorrow and not notice it. I don't really care to make sense of it all right now, just to throw it here and see if I remember it a few years later.
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